It's That Time of the Year Again

My birthdays have always been depressing since 2009. What good is celebrating when the people you want to celebrate it with is in another continent. Sure, we make up for it by doing the celebrations a couple of months later, but still...nothing beats having the people you love around you on your birthday.

I understand. I really do. I get that we have to sacrifice some things. I get that someday, everything will be better. Delayed gratification, I get that. But that doesn't mean it never gets depressing knowing that I get to spend these special moments apart from my family. It's sad. 

Less than a month from now, I will be graduating. And people keep asking if any of my parents will come back to the Philippines for my graduation. I know that I smile when I tell the people asking that my parents aren't coming, and that I'm okay with that, and that we're just being practical since right after graduation, I will be going abroad to be with them. I smile, and I tell everyone that it's fine. That I don't mind not having my parents with me during my graduation. But deep inside, I'm far from okay. Those moments are just too precious not to spend with your loved ones. I will never have pictures on stage with them, I will never have toga and Sablay pictures with them by my side. I will never have my parents sitting in the crowd, waiting for my name to be called. Sure, my titas and titos will be there for me. But they're not the ones I will be waiting for. They're not the ones I will be thinking about while I walk up to that stage.

After all these years, one would think I would have been used to this by now. That may be true...for some days. It's bad enough that I dont have my parents with me. But it was bearable then...because I still had my grandmother with me then. But now she's gone, and it's even more depressing. 

Sometimes, I wonder if it's worth it...if it's ALL worth it.

I'm depressed, and I'm lonely. I know that tomorrow, I'll feel better with RAF. But tonight, I'm eating my heart out.