Last night's events made me realize a lot of things. (1) that i can never really run from my past and (2) that there's no reason of denying the facts anymore...the facts about us.
so here, the story goes...
It was first year high school. As I entered the room, i saw a few familiar faces. but there were a heck of a lot of new ones. and so the school year started. the usual classroom drama commenced...but the biggest drama of all is me and my lesbo bestfriend's story.
So there i was..newly elected president of the class of I-St. Albert. Busy as hell...organizing programs, competing for inter-class competitions, administrating classroom shizznesss...the usual officer-in-charge stuff. then i had a friend. a girl friend. Her name is M.
When i met her, i thought she was pretty. Kinda boyish. But pretty. i thought she was like me...the un-girly girl type. And we have grown really close. She would often sit with me, chat with me, help me with stuff. And I guess I didn't mind having her as a friend.
Now the fun starts here...
A few months into the school year, her grade school classmate, K, told me that i shouldnt get too close with M. i asked why, but K wouldnt say the reason. She just kept telling me that i should distance myself from M. She kept repeating these things, but i didnt listen. i wouldnt leave a friend just because someone says so. I cant stay away from M and she can't stay away from me. But K insisted and so i said i needed one good reason. and that's when K told me that M is lesbian.
Woah.
Personally, i had no problem with that. i have no issues with gays and lesbians. I dont think it matters what or who a person wants. it doesnt change anything. and when K told me that M is lesbian, i didnt have any outrageous reaction. i was surprised that M didnt tell me, yes... but nothing changed. She's still the friend that i know and love. And that's what i told K.
And so we continued on with our lives. While juggling academic stuff, M and I had gotten closer and closer. Until one day, after school, I was supposed to be fetched by my dad but he was running late because of a faculty meeting. So i said i'll just wait for him. It was 9 pm. i was at the front stairs of our building and M offered to stay with me.
It's a monday evening so the HS building is quite empty already since there is school the following day. Everyone has gone home except for the two of us. I was leaning against a wall, and M was sitting a few inches from me. As we were sitting quietly, she inched closer. M reached for my hand. She laced her fingers in between mine and she held it on her lap. I looked at her. She looked back. My face must be blushing and i must have looked puzzled because she smiled. I have a million questions running through my mind at that moment and she answered with a soft "I like you...and i want to be more than friends".
I couldnt speak. Heck, i couldnt even think. i just froze. i could find the words....
and then...with all the good timing in the world, my dad's car came honking on the driveway. and so i tried to pull my hand away...but she wouldnt let it go. finally, i said, "Text kita later", and then she let go. And i took my stuff and opened the back seat door and vanished into the car.
During the ride home, i was quiet. too quiet. i couldnt figure out my feelings. A part of me was confused. I had a lot of questions...but the one thing i was sure of at that moment is the M is indeed a lesbian...and she likes me. She. Likes. Me.
Me. The one who was overlooked by her grade school best friend/crush. The one who never got picked. Never chosen. Never.
M likes me.
And I am happy.
And I guess, that's all i cared about.
That night, at 12:30 am, i texted M and asked if she's still awake. Seconds later, my phone rang. i answered and M was on the line.
I couldn't remember the conversation. All that i knew is that we talked for hours. I guess she was waiting for me to say that i like her too, but...i dont know. i just dont feel it yet. all i knew was that i am happy with her.
The next day, we continued on as we always did. and the day after that. and the day after that. Come friday, that's when things got even more exciting.
It was after school, we were the last ones in the classroom. I was returning my things in the locker. As i closed my locker door and turned to leave, M was blocking my way. She pushed me back, placed her hand on the wall behind me. She inched closer...too close, i could feel her breathe on my lashes since she's taller than I am. At that moment, i kinda knew what's coming next. So i tried so hard not to look up to her eyes. i stared down, but she took my face by my chin, tilted my head up, and she placed a soft kiss on my lips.
my eyes were closed. we stood there. savoring the moment. i dont know how long our lips were locked. She was cradling my face, and i stood there, still clutching my locker keys, too stunned to move, or too shocked to pull away. and then a janitor came in and we instinctively pulled away...almost too reluctantly. we pretended to be doing something else, and were forced to leave the room.
the walk down the hall was the quietest and the most awkward walk i've had. as we reached the front gate, we stared at each other for a few seconds and she gave me tight hug and we parted.
As i was sitting at the back seat of my dad's car, i was quiet thinking, contemplating. HOLY CRAP. I just had my first kiss. I kissed a girl...and...the most shocking of all: I liked it.
Little did i know, there'd be a lot more kisses after the first one--- a thousand more kisses. What can i say?! She's...aggressive. Hungry, even. We've french-kissed in bathroom stalls, in the classroom, in the hallway, inside the room, in our make-shift tunnel, in her room...name it, we've been there, done it.
One of my favorite moments is when she held my hand under a book during classes, and steal a kiss from me when the teacher is not looking. She would trace my fingers with hers and who knew that there's a million things one could do with two hands hidden under a book cover?!
She was so sweet...so malambing. I felt loved. She gave me a lot of things. She gave me stuffed toys---which i hated---but she gave me three, anyway. She also gave me an engraved ring with our initials on it.
Of the many things she gave me, I only have this teddy bear left. I'm not sure what ever happened to the two other stuffed toys, or the ring.. I think i gave up the toys for donation, and I think I lost the ring...or I threw it away? Not really sure.
If there was one thing that we liked doing so much next to kissing and cuddling, is talking. We talked for hours and hours. We talked so long, that we beat the sunrise almost everyday.
Everything was going great...until a crazy girl from the class of St. Aurea approached me one morning started rattling about me stealing M from her. and i was like...WTF. I didnt steal anyone. I was chosen. I told her she could fuck off somewhere else.
And there was this time during a weekend when my mom read my text messages. really sweet and malandi text messages. My mom talked to me and asked what's going on. i told her i'm seeing someone but that it's not serious. She didn't ask anything more, but i felt bad not telling her that that situation is DEAD SERIOUS.
I must say, i enjoyed the relationship. But there came a time when we started drifting apart. or at least, i was turned off by some things that she did. i started seeing what K was saying. M started slashing her wrist whenever we fought. She started doing things... things i didnt approve of. Then, suddenly, i dont know. It's like I had been awaken. I finally saw how wrong the relationship was. Not wrong that she's a girl, wrong that I never really liked her. That I was just excited to finally be in a relationship. That, finally, someone noticed me.
I started thinking if the relationship was still worth fighting for. And, then, she had become too controlling. She scares my friends, and quite frankly, she scared me too. Any guy who gets too close to me, she would scare off.
I had a drafting partner. We shared a drafting table and his name is C. One day, C refused to talk to me. I spent the whole drafting period asking what's wrong. It was unusual that he wouldnt talk to me since we were quite close. we talked a lot and shared a lot...until that day. It was obvious that C was avoiding me. and i had a good feeling M had something to do with it.
that night, as M and I were talking on the phone, i bluntly asked M if she had anything to do with the way C acted around me. And then she admitted that she talked to C and told C that she didnt want him being too close to me. The moment she admitted, i became too furious to even talk. i hung up the phone and refused to talk to her for days.
she has become too controlling and too suffocating. I couldnt talk to my friends, because they, themselves, don't approve of the relationship. They didnt understand it. And i dont blame them. So i had no one to talk to. I only had myself. That's when i decided i need a time out. I couldn't take it anymore. I started believing what K said to me before eveyrhting started. I started believing that M really is bad news. She's unhealthy for me. And quite frankly, i'm not sure if I wanted to keep the relationship.
At the end of the school year, I broke it off. She begged for me to stay. Then I did something cowardly. I hid under my mother. I told her my mother didn't like me hanging out with her. Instead of telling her I didnt want her anymore, I used the obedient-child-excuse because I didnt have the stomach to tell her the truth. The last day of classes was also the last day we talked. For a year we didn't talk. Since we were in different sections, it wasn't too hard to not see each other. I've moved on, and i see that she hasn't.
One day during my college days in UP, i ran across her on my way to Robinsons. The memory is so vivid, I could still feel the awkwardness of that split-second our eyes met. When I saw her, I stopped on my tracks, and so did she...but only for a few seconds. Our eyes met, and I think we were both confused, and we both wanted the awkward stare to stop. So we nodded at each other, and continued on or separate ways.
I guess, my purpose for writing this blog entry, is to tell myself that it's time to stop denying my past. I was too ashamed of my past that i didn't tell anyone about it, even my best friends in high school. I now realize that i have to acknowledge this part of me and that there's no shame in saying that once in my life, i loved someone and was loved by someone...no matter how ugly and awkward the ending was.
